It’s that time of year again. After a thrilling Super Bowl highlighted by Dancing Sharks, fully inflated footballs and the Worst Super Bowl Ad In History, it’s time to turn the page on the 2014-15 NFL Season. This past Sunday drew the curtain for the two most annoying fanbases in America, but the year has in actually been over for a few weeks now for the rest of us. Now that there is not a single thing left to say about the season that was, it’s time to turn our attention to the season that will be!
Most mock drafts talk about position needs and best players available. Most NFL GMs will take players based on their board. Most NFL GMs are idiots. If you’re anything like me, you’re ready to think outside the box an identify the truly transformational talent that with take the organization to the next level!
Welcome to the Amockalypse!
1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Left Shark
Before you ask yourself which side of the ball Left Shark plays on, ask yourself this: DOES IT FREAKING MATTER??? HE’S A FREAKING SHARK!!! However in the event it still matters to you after I’ve asked, allow me to ignore your concerns and tell you why Left Shark shot straight to the top of my XXL Ginormous MassiveMAX Board. He’s got all the intangibles you’d want in a football player. Leadership? He’s an apex predator. Charisma? You can’t be serious, did you even watch the halftime show? The fans will buy Left Shark jerseys in droves. It’ll be like printing money. Position of need? For some reason every NFL team is obsessed with things on the left side so yeah, I guess. Left is his natural position and he couldn’t be any worse than Anthony Collins or Logan Mankins were over there. Has shown the quickness and agility to play Right Shark if pressed into duty.
Jameis Winston is also an option here. Different animal altogether, may also be a predator however.
2. Tennesee Titans – Emmitt Brown, Ph.D
Not really a player per se, but his groundbreaking work with the Flux Capacitor could be just what the Titans need to go back in time and prevent themselves from hiring Ken Whisenhunt. Brown may be the only guy on my XXL Ginormous MassiveMAX Board capable of undoing a disastrous coaching hire so look for the Bears to move up to take him as well.
3. Jacksonville Jaguars – Art Modell
Yes, the man’s dead. But he knows how to move a team from a hellhole dump of a town with a pathetic fanbase. Can’t argue those credentials. Well maybe you could argue with the dead part, but let’s be honest: who in Jacksonville is going to notice?
4. Oakland Raiders – Marcus Mariota
I’m sure you weren’t expecting to see an actual player who is actually eligible for the draft appear in this column. You thought you had this bit pegged as me recommending people that don’t have any real shot at being drafted by those teams. Well, I’ve got news for you: you were right. There’s no way that the Raiders take Mariota even though they should. Teams refuse to take QBs all the time because they already “have” one. This is like not buying a beer at a restaurant because you have beer at home. It is dumb. The Raiders are dumb. They would rather draft La’D’Jango Kinte because he ran a 3.75 40 even though he was born with no thumbs. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
5. Washington Redskins – David Brandon
Former M Athletic Director, current unemployed douche. If you’re wondering, M is how we must now all refer to the University of Michigan because #BRANDING. While that is actually only partially true and not entirely fair to the man, I enjoy blaming him for things even if I actually kind of like them so let’ just go with it. He doesn’t bring much to the table besides an undying commitment to destroying proud tradition through the ambiguous “Wow Experience” yet he does seem to be okay with not having a mascot and that’s an idea who’s time has come in Washington. The Washington Wow Experience Presented By Shake Shack is a hair less offensive than what they have going now. As an added bonus, he may also skywrite over Jerry World. Don’t ask.
6. New York Jets – Right Shark
Feels like a bit of a reach here.
7. Chicago Bears – Willie Wilson
I have never wanted a black man to win anything more that I want this guy to win Chicago’s mayoral election. But if and when he doesn’t, the Bears would be fools to not snap him up. They have problems on defense, injury problems, cap problems and I’m pretty sure every guy ever to claim to be from Chicago has erectile dysfunction. It’s a mess, and he wants to fix that.
I’m just kidding. Don’t vote for that guy, you guys.
8. Atlanta Falcons – The Von Trapp Family
The team needs to focus on the sound of music, not crowd noise.
9. New York Giants – Does it matter?
But since I have to write something about them I will write this:
Eli Manning is a 2-time Super Bowl Champ
Daniel Bryan is a 4-time WWE Champ
Eli Manning is less of a champion than Daniel Bryan. Make of that what you will.
10. St. Louis Rams – Megatron
No, not Calvin Johnson. The Transformer. And not the Michael Bay version either. The 80’s cartoon version. The Rams have all the pieces to make a leap forward next season except a QB. And who would be a better QB that a massive robot with LITERALLY a cannon for an arm? They’ll be Super Bowl bound if they pull the trigger on this one.
Let’s move on.
11. Minnesota Vikings – Thomas Gordon
Another guy that should go but won’t go, and again for a stupid reason. Remember when teams drafted RBs early because there is a huge difference between a great back and every other back? Well those days are gone. Now it’s all about value. It’s like my Dad buying me Christmas gifts. He would rather buy me a bunch of crap that I don’t want or need because he got it #ONSALE instead of taking that same amount of money and buying me one thing that I’d actually like. But he got tremendous value on all of the crap so he can’t pass it up. So basically my Dad is cut out to be in the front office.
12. Cleveland Browns – Saul Goodman
Between Manziel and Gordon somebody Better Call Saul ASAP and get him on retainer.
13. New Orleans Saints – The Fat Lady
It’s a wrap. Drew Brees had a good run but he’s washed and it’s going to be time to move on any day now. Sean Payton should cut bait while he can before sticking with Brees too long cost him his job down the line.
14. Miami Dolphins – Phil Jackson
Okay, here’s the thing. Coaches and QBs are the two people you CANNOT afford to get wrong in football. They’re the wheels on the bike. Having just one is the same as not having any but if you DO just have one, at least you know which one you need to get. Unless you’re Miami. You may need a coach, you might need a QB, you certainly need more offense. Phil Jackson isn’t going to give you any of these things, but his mere presence makes losing in ridiculous fashion far more tolerable apparently. At least the Knicks seemed excited about how much they suck, anyways. I’m sure for the right price Phil is willing to bring that same brand of excitement to South Beach!
15. San Francisco 49ers – Keith Sweat
The coaching situation in San Fran is so bad I can’t put it into words. I have no idea if I’m watching Jim Tomsula give an interview or if it’s a rerun of the Chris Farley Show anymore. They couldn’t find anyone to take their OC job. ANYONE. Think about that for a second. NFL offensive coordinator is one of the rarest job openings ON THE PLANET. How can’t you find ONE PERSON willing to take that job? In San Francisco?
This is epically bad. Keith Sweat is the pick here because they need someone to beg Jim Harbaugh to come back. Shirt all unbuttoned and open and everything. Greatest Hits, the whole nine. Otherwise we might see this team make a run at 0-16.
16. Houston Texans – Brett Hundley’s Baby Mama
Now I have no idea if Brett Hundley has a Baby Mama, but the Texans need to find her if she exists so that she can tell them that they don’t even want to mess with him like that.
You can’t trust him, girlfriend. He be in the huddle talking bout “I’mma throw the ball to you, go deep” but then he turn around and don’t throw it at all and takes a sack! Look, I know when you look at him you want to fall in love but don’t do it! That’s how he get you! You see the size, the arm strength, the 70% completion percentage and you want to start throwing your pannies but let me tell you something. Those are not you pannies you throwing, girl THAT’S YOUR DIGNITY. Don’t throw your dignity away like that because you are afraid you’ll wind up with Case Keenum. Now pick up your dignity and let’s go watch Scandal.”
The Twice
A Guy....Who Likes Sports, Anime, pickled carrots, and who actually saw Stevie Wonder drive. Really.
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